Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think about the new winery in town? Do you think an alcohol-inspired business presents a poor image for Federal Way?

A: Um, have you — have you ever been to a winery? They’re not exactly littered with dirty hypodermic needles nor smell of Fritos and shame. Wineries, particularly Abbe Vineyard and Winery, are classy establishments.

Vilnis and Guna Kleper have done a bang-up job with this one. If anything, they’ve classed up this joint a little bit, and, in Mr. Federal Way’s opinion, the Klepers have blazed a trail, opened Pandora’s Box. Their vision could and should pave the way for Federal Wayans to ascend from their parents’ basements and start their own winery or microbrew. Here’s the thing about the Klepers’ winery: Their story is not one of doing something that hasn’t been done. It is … but it’s not. The Klepers had an outside-the-box idea and worked extremely hard for upwards of eight years to make a crazy dream a reality. In Mr. Federal Way’s day, we called it the American Dream. There’s been a lot of talk amongst local politicos about economic growth in the city. This is one way to do it, folks. As far as the image problem goes, let Mr. Federal Way remind you of something important — gather round, go ahead, Mr. Federal Way will wait — it’s not businesses that present a city with an image problem. It’s the people. Remember to love the wine you’re with.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what did you think of all the fire activity on and around the Fourth of July?

A: “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since the world’s been turning.” It’s alarming. Mr. Federal Way isn’t saying it was more alarming in 2017 than any other year or anything, but it was alarming. Folks, did you forget we live in forestry?

Like, we took over the forest and populated it. We’re surrounded by trees and shrubbery — things that soak up flammable materials faster than Mr. Federal Way engulfs soft corn tacos from Chipotle. For goodness sake people, a young man from Federal Way blew his hand off — blew his hand off — setting off fireworks! These are two big reasons it’s illegal to light fireworks in our great city in the first place. Mr. Federal Way gets it.

When something is illegal, it entices people to want to do it more, but since you risk blowing your hand to pieces or lighting your or your neighbor’s house on fire, perhaps you should leave the pyrotechnics — to the pyrotechnics.

Why are we forcing the brave men and women of South King Fire &Rescue to work harder than they should on a day they should be relaxing and celebrating this country’s independence like the rest of us? Is it really too much of an ask? Remember: “We didn’t start the fire.” No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, who ya got in the race for mayor?

A: None of your business.

This column is staff produced. Do you have a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.