Q: Mr. Federal Way, I had to giggle after I read your comment on shopping locally for marijuana — which you can’t do in Federal Way even though it’s legal. I turned a few pages in the Mirror and there it was: a big, half-page, full-color ad for the Stash Box recreational marijuana store in Auburn. Highlighted in large type was the blurb, “Only 10 minutes from Federal Way!” I chuckled at that and wondered how much cannabis revenue Federal Way is losing out to Auburn, Midway and Tacoma. Wouldn’t that make an interesting article?
A: Mr. Federal Way is sure that our moral, upstanding city leaders thought and prayed long on the issue of the demon weed before opting to not allow its sale within city limits. They probably clasped their hands together in a bar somewhere and spoke in tongues while engaging the moral, upstanding and pot-free patrons around them who gulped down 80-proof shots before their drive home, sipped beers to see how much it took before the OxyContin got really fun, stepped out to have some cigarettes, made a mental note to grab some Sudafed the next time they picked up their kids’ Adderall, decided that combining them with energy drinks would fix them right up and absentmindedly wondered if those incense-stinking “smoke shops” still sell all the wacky, legal party favors they did years ago (spoiler: they do).
Everyone, Mr. Federal Way has noticed, is in a strange social place with Mary Jane right now. You can get it just about anywhere (emphasis on “just about”), but no one is really sure how they’re supposed to feel about people actually using it. You can tell your boss, your mom and your congresscritter that you’re hungover this morning because you drank too much last night and fought a nun and everyone laughs, says, “Yeah, I’ve been there,” and then gets back to what they were doing. But if you tell them you smoked some marijuana last night, watched Adult Swim re-runs, then went to bed early so you’d be wide awake and productive this morning you’ll be fired, disowned and accused of treason.
No one actually cares, of course. They don’t really give a word-they-would-never-ever-say about it. But they feel like they’re expected to care; like if they don’t look like they’re really, really caring about it then people will assume that they too enjoy the wacky tobaccy, which is why you have to give Auburn your weed sales taxes. Because our moral, upstanding leaders need people to think they’re moral, upstanding leaders – even if it means taking made-up moral, upstanding positions on things they couldn’t actually give less of a pearl-clutching expletive about.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, I lived in and grew up in Federal Way from 1960 on, so let’s see what you actually know about this city. Can you tell us the history of Steel Lake (man-made or naturally occurring)? And when did our lake become a lake?
A: Mr. Federal Way has a hard time believing that you “grew up” in the ’60s and yet remember anything about them. Either you growing up around smelly hippies is a lie or you remembering the obscure origin story of Mr. Federal Way’s favorite fishing hole is a lie. Frankly, anyone truly coming of age in the decade that made Sonny & Cher such megastars should have been too busy having a hard time purchasing their next nickel-bag of weed in this area – the more things change, the more they stay the same, right?
Speaking of memory loss, Mr. Federal Way can’t for the life of him recall when, exactly, Steel Body of Unremarkable Water became the full-fledged Steel Lake. I tried to sic our crackerjack editorial staff on the question but they made up some lie about having actual work to do. Kids these days. Lazy. I blame the media.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, maybe these un-realized advertisers would spend some money with your newspaper if it wasn’t extremely boring, editorially mismanaged and generally crappy. Once in a while I look for a link to your Police Blotter to check the crime in my neighborhood, and still cannot find even that. Your layout and website suck also. I have lived here in Federal Way for 30 odd years. Maybe you should ask the businesses in Fedway what they would like to see in the newspaper in order for them to pay you for advertising.
A: You seem stressed. If only there was some product available in this city that could help with that.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you actually attend any of the events listed in the Mirror’s “community calendar”?
A: None of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com
