Q. Mr. Federal Way, what are the best ways and routes in town to get around traffic and road construction?

A. Mr. Federal Way is not a fan of driving in traffic. Or construction. Or really with anyone else in the vicinity.

Unfortunately, Mr. Federal Way’s pittance of a salary does not warrant a household budget that includes a driver and town car service. Mr. Federal Way tends to commute to and from the Mirror on an “as needed” basis and has even convinced the editor to allow him to work from home at times.

Crafting these columns filled with precious gems of verbiage seems to be most fruitful when sitting in a recliner in the comfort of Mr. Federal Way’s living room.

This has been pivotal in avoiding the need to fire up Mr. Federal Way’s beige four-door economy sedan and navigate the clogged arteries of our city’s streets. But, on the occasion that Mr. Federal Way is forced to go out on assignment or accompany Mrs. Federal Way to the store or a date, two rules are strictly enforced. First, avoid anything south of 336th Street.

Mrs. Federal Way hasn’t been able to enjoy one of Jimmy Mac’s famous yeast rolls in months, and Costco is absolutely off limits.

Mr. Federal Way refuses to become entangled in the ball of yarn that is the Pacific Highway construction.

Sorry LA Fitness, we are officially on a break right now.

Wait, we were never really an item — oh well, not a chance now.

The second rule, steer clear of 320th Street between the hours of about 4-7 p.m. Mr. Federal Way once traveled to Target at the Commons via Auburn because it was easier.

So basically, work from home when you can, stay north, and off 320th.

Q. Mr. Federal Way, what do you recommend for people trying to cool off or stay cool in Federal Way?

A. Otter Pops. They are cheap and delicious. Mr. Federal Way likens his feelings about Otter Pops to how former mayoral candidate Mark Greene feels about apartments.

They are a solution to almost any problem.

Too hot? Eat some Otter Pops. Don’t know what to bring to the neighborhood potluck? Grab some Otter Pops.

More days until payday than groceries? Buy some Otter Pops.

Don’t want to heat up the oven to cook dinner? Serve some Otter Pops.

Our mayor would likely recommend the splash park at his Town Square Park, or maybe the Federal Way Community Center as I’ve recently seen a press release that it was offered as an official “cooling station” to people during the heat.

The problematic part of that suggestion is Mr. Federal Way once attended a fundraiser there in the month of June and seriously thought his face was going to melt off.

No amount of antiperspirant or deodorant could have kept the sweat at bay during that event, so Mr. Federal Way is a little leery of that option. Better off to stick with Otter Pops.

Q. Mr. Federal Way, where do you and Mrs. Federal Way go for date night?

A. None of your business.

This column is produced by Mirror staff. Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.