Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think about the Mrs. Federal Way pageant that sends a winner to the Mrs. Washington America pageant?
A: Mr. Federal Way would like to make it clear that no one from any pageant or pageant-type organization contacted him or his better half for permission to call it “Mrs. Federal Way.” I asked her if she was offended by the misappropriation and she ignored me to go off on a tirade against pageants, sexism, objectification and such.
She probably has a point. But frankly, both the Mrs. Federal Ways – the spouse of an amazing writer and Mrs. Tiesha Clark, who recently got her crown – are attractive champions in the eyes of Mr. Federal Way. Mr. Federal Way is also pretty sure that if we’re going to rail against pageants then we should probably stamp out child pageants before focusing on adult ones – those things are creepy.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, if you’re so smart and have so many opinions, how would you fix Federal Way?
A: In the spirit of continuing the practice of solving problems with diversions of blame, Mr. Federal Way is going to suggest an opposite-version of “best practices” methods: we should find cities we dislike and try to do the opposite of what they do.
Competition is healthy, but we need opponents. We already have some cities we’re pals with. In addition to whatever local and regional partners we have, we’re official “sister cities” with Donghae, South Korea, and Hachinohe, Aomori, Japan. Mr. Federal Way isn’t entirely sure what a “sister city” status means, but it seems like it’s intended to be a positive title.
In that vein, Mr. Federal Way will call his enemy cities our “sister-in-law cities.”
There are a lot of candidates for our city enemies list. Mr. Federal Way thinks he’ll open up a nomination process by which people can suggest some awful pits that we can learn from the mistakes of – shoot him an email with your least favorite municipalities and he’ll try to select the “best” ones.
For his own sister-in-law city nominees, Mr. Federal Way is submitting the following:
• Louisville, Kentucky, a barren wasteland of asphalt and lane paint that’s apparently slight more wasteland-y than we are. Federal Way has put a lot of work into being this ugly, Louisville, and your ill-deserved Parking Madness victory will stain our relationship for generations.
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, which stole our NBA team – we’re mad about that – and then stole our former schools superintendent – we’re significantly less mad about that. But for taking prime Kevin Durant-watching years from us and then for not listening to us when we sent up massive warning signs about OKC’s own now-ex-superintendent, that Midwest glorified cornfield is on notice.
• Utica, New York. Those jerks know what they did.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, will you be heading to Red, White and Blues?
A: None of your business.
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
