Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you think middle school is an appropriate environment for a Gay-Straight Alliance student club? Aren’t middle-schoolers too young for a club like that?

A: You’re absolutely right, middle school is no place for tolerance and support, let alone a club that promotes that. Kids these days, getting all uppity by trying to create an atmosphere where they build each other up, rather than tearing each other down. Where do these students think they are — Berkeley? Don’t they know middle school is where you exploit weaknesses, shame differences and make muddled, hormone-riddled, questioning young teens feel worse about themselves, thus supporting the therapy industry years later as they try to work through their complexes? Sheesh.

As far as whether they are too young for a club like that, what’s too young? Mr. Federal Way’s niece placed second in a spelling bee as a sixth-grader because she didn’t know how to spell liaison. Her opponent’s parents, however, let her watch “Dangerous Liaisons,” a movie Mr. Federal Way only watched in college when he had to read the book for an English literature class. For the unitiated or Keanu Reeves-haters, “Dangerous Liaisons” is rife with sex, lies and letters detailing deceitful escapades. Is that appropriate for sixth-graders? No. Because Mr. Federal Way’s niece should have won that spelling bee.

Obviously, middle-schoolers don’t feel they are too young for a club like that, as GSA clubs are formed and led by students. Which brings Mr. Federal Way back to his first point: Middle School is no place for compassion, promoting unity and understanding, and creating a culture of tolerance. What ever happened to desperately trying to become a member of the popular crowd, worrying about why your best friend is suddenly being chummy with your arch-nemesis, or agonizing over a pimple your crush, to whom you’ve never spoken, is sure to notice in study hall?

But, if you are worried about the impact such a club may have on your impressionable teen, Mr. Federal Way suggests you inform your progeny as to why it’s not appropriate to associate with people like “them” and why “tolerance and understanding” are only catchphrases to be espoused from a safe distance. You know, in case your teen is in danger of becoming open-minded.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, is it true that Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist has endorsed the campaign of Federal Way City Council candidate Roger Flygare?

A: On May 7, perennial local candidate Flygare posted on Twitter (@RGFlygare) that Pierce County’s problem child and publicity hound Mark Lindquist had endorsed his campaign for Federal Way City Council position 6. One would think Flygare would avoid courting this kind of support, considering his past campaign stumbles, such as making inaccurate statements about his military service.

During his time in office, Lindquist has been dogged by lawsuits, whistleblower complaints, allegations of misconduct and even a recall effort. Taxpayers are footing the legal bills for Lindquist’s protracted effort to prevent public disclosure of text messages he sent in 2011.

If Mr. Federal Way were running for City Council, Mr. Federal Way would be nuttier than a sack of squirrels to willingly wear some of Lindquist’s slime in public.

In a related matter, Mr. Federal Way has been obsessively refreshing the King County Elections website all week to check candidate filings before the May 19 deadline.

As of press time Thursday, Flygare had yet to officially file with the county. But, according to the Public Disclosure Commission’s website, he has raised $5,170 so far in a campaign to unseat incumbent Martin Moore from position 6.

Here’s hoping both candidates give Mr. Federal Way plenty of comedic fodder this election season. Mr. Federal Way is always looking for an excuse to poke fun at candidates who need a little poking.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what are your plans for Memorial Day weekend?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff produced.