Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you surprised Donald Trump will be president? How do you figure it’s going to go?
A: Mr. Federal Way isn’t feeling so great since international nice-guy and well-known liberty-defender Vladimir Putin just announced how excited he is to work toward his and Trump’s bromance. In fact, Mr. Federal Way had to console Mrs. Federal Way for a couple hours Tuesday night, so thanks for that, Trump. Another woman to upset (although this time Mr. Federal Way appreciates you keeping your hands and Tic-Tacs to yourself).
Mr. Federal Way also had to sit his children down Wednesday, look them in the eye, and tell them an Oompa Loompa – without any education songs – would be the leader of the free world. Good on you, Internet, for the sorta-clever “orange is the new black” jokes, but there are real people who are really unhappy about it.
Honestly, Mr. Federal Way having to deal with his family’s concerns are pretty small potatoes. There are families right now wondering if they’re going to be deported or if their right to get married is in trouble.
If there’s one thing Trump taught Mr. Federal Way – and again, without even the courtesy of an Oompa Loompa song – it’s that if you’re a rich, white man, you can do anything if you get a “small loan” of $1 million and work sort of, but not really, hard.
Mr. Federal Way is far from rich, but he already has a couple more than the three or four qualifications one apparently needs to get access to nuclear launch codes. As such, Mr. Federal Way is announcing his 2020 campaign for president of the United States. A more experienced running mate will need to be selected to take some of the glare off Mr. Federal Way’s shocking lack of relevant accomplishments, of course.
So, you know, Mayor Ferrell? Will you campaign for vice president?
Q: Mr. Federal Way, it’s No Shave November (or Movember). Do you participate?
A: Mr. Federal Way sends his condolences to you and yours for thinking this is a clever question.
In short, yes, Mr. Federal Way is partaking in Movember. Do you know why? Because every day is No Shave November if you do it right. Real men don’t shave, you see. That’s a fact. It’s just science.
Sam Elliott, Abraham Lincoln, and Touchdown Jesus. All awesome. All have facial hair. Science.
Common sense aside, however, Mr. Federal Way participates for reasons people tend to forget: Movember is actually about spreading cancer awareness by embracing the face follicles, which cancer patients lose. Instead, let it grow wild and free in a show of support. Then donate money to support those who fight cancer every day.
Mr. Federal Way has revealed a few secrets lately. Pay attention, he’s about to reveal another: During this time of year, Mr. Federal Way becomes a glorified Glitter Beard. It’s the holiday season, so it works great. There will be fall and Thanksgiving decorations this month positively gilding Mr. Federal Way’s face blanket. For December… just you wait.
Regardless, if you don’t have a year-round crumb-duster like Mr. Federal Way, grow yourself a fantastic chin curtain in support of cancer. Honest Abe would approve of your stylish way of showing you’re thinking about cancer patients. He’d also give you a solemn, ugly-president nod of approval if you kicked a couple of his bills and coins to your favorite cancer charity.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, will I see you at the Greater Federal Way Chamber of Commerce gala on Saturday?
A: None of your business.
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
