Q: Mr. Federal Way, what’s the deal with these political debates that you are hosting? Should I attend this?

A: Let Mr. Federal Way get out the Magic 8-Ball. Answer: Your future is uncertain. Look, how would Mr. Federal Way know if you should attend this or not? Are you into politics? Do you care what’s happening in your neighborhood? In your city? Don’t answer those questions. Mr. Federal Way is afraid to know the answers. Mr. Federal Way knows about as much about politics as the inner workings of the digestive tract, though both seem to produce the same results.

Each year, the Mirror hosts these debates as a service to the community. Generally speaking, about 150-200 people show up. Mr. Federal Way shows up only for the fireworks. Every year, at least one candidate produces an inane moment.

That’s worth the price of admission right there. This year, Mr. Federal Way thinks one particular candidate makes a bag of rocks look smart, but that would be insulting to the rocks. Show up, grab a seat and enjoy the fireworks. No houses will get burned down but some skin will get fried.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, why do you continue to talk about yourself in the third person?

A: I have no idea. Wait, Mr. Federal Way has no idea. Sorry about that. My literary prose failed me once again. And again. Well, Mr. Federal Way wanted to be referred to as “The Czar,” but some bald guy took that one. Mr. Federal Way wanted to be “The Publisher,” but that guy keeps showing up, even after I “helped” him off of the ladder.

How would you like Mr. Federal Way to present himself? In the first person? Fine. I will do that. Now, I’ll be accused of sounding too conceited. This I am not, though, I am the most read columnist in this paper. A position that is indeed well-deserved, but consider the competition. A bald guy, an ex-mayor that couldn’t get re-elected and a potty mouth grandma. Not exactly Pulitzer material I’m up against.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, why do we still observe daylight savings time?

A: Wow, slow news week, huh? Give me a question about the mayor tearing up another park, another malfunctioning red light camera, but no, another question with zero reference from Mr. Federal Way’s perspective. Mr. Federal Way will blame it on the farmers. Those guys get up before the birds anyhow, so give them a reason to get up an hour later. Bessie can wait. Farmer has to sleep.

Actually, Mr. Federal Way had the crack Mirror crew do some research on this and the answer is cloudy. So Mr. Federal Way will rescue them, again. Awhile ago, Mr. Federal Way, err, I, came across this article where five monkeys were in a cage with a ladder in the middle and bananas on top. Each time a monkey went up the ladder, the other monkeys would get water poured on them. After awhile, each time a monkey went up the ladder the other monkeys beat up the one on the ladder.

It came to pass that no monkey would go up the ladder. The scientist then swapped out one of the monkeys. Naturally, it went up the ladder and got beat up. Eventually, all five monkeys were swapped out and still continued to take a beating, though none of them ever knew why and never had water poured on them. This is daylight savings. We continue to do it, though no one knows why. Maybe we all just need a good beating.

Q. Mr. Federal Way, can you please bring back Mrs. Federal Way? We like her better.

A: No. I go away for one week and it becomes amateur hour around here. If the publisher wanted another wishy-washy columnist, he’d hire another Roegner. Mrs. Federal Way fits that to a tee. Case in point, Mr. Federal Way is writing his beautiful masterpiece of a column and she asks Mr. Federal Way if he wants the chicken fried or baked. Mr. Federal Way says he’s busy here, you decide. I get both fried and baked. Talk about wishy-washy. She has more wash cycles than the family dishwasher.

Which brings me back to the Mirror. Not much of a bench staff around here. Mr. Federal Way goes away, this place falls apart. Their bench is about as deep as the Seahawks. Neither is a winning team when they are down their best player.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, boxers or briefs?

A: None of your business, darling.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com