Recently, the fake interview craze has hit the Federal Way area with both God and Dr. Phil appearing in print.
In fact, I recently sat down at Poverty Bay Coffee for an authentic interview with historical figure Father Peter Hylebos.
Thinking Locally: You’re not as famous as God or Dr. Phil. Can you tell readers a little bit about yourself?
Father Hylebos: I was a Catholic Priest who arrived in the Tacoma area in 1880. My parish included what is today Federal Way. I may not be a Dr. Phil, but during my life I built several hospitals, churches and schools in the area. I was instrumental in saving many innocent lives during the shameful anti-Chinese riots in Tacoma, and was known as an advocate of Native Americans, the dispossessed and unemployed. Today, my name graces your well-loved West Hylebos Wetlands and Hylebos Creek.
TL: Fascinating. Where can curious readers find out more about you?
FH: Dick Caster of the Federal Way Historical Society wrote an excellent and illuminating history of my life. It’s available on the society’s Web site at www.federalwayhistory.org.
TL: A lot of people are surprised to find out that the Federal Way area has a long and rich history. Is it important for a modern community like ours to know its historical roots?
FH: Does Tacoma smell funky? Seriously, though, if you don’t know where you came from, how can you know where you want to go? That school superintendent of yours, the tall guy with the goatee, has Federal Way kids improving their history marks, but the entire community needs to know its history. That’s why if I weren’t just a lazy columnist’s device, I’d be a member of the Federal Way Historical Society. This vital organization is keeping the past alive for future generations.
TL: You’d be a supporter of the Friends of the Hylebos too, wouldn’t you?
FH: Of course, my son. Keeping our streams, wetlands and forests healthy for future generations is vitally important, too. But, with my name, I thought maybe I’d get an honorary membership or something.
TL: Let’s talk about that after the interview. Speaking of which, would it be wrong to write a fake interview just to meet a column deadline?
FH: Of course not. That’s silly.
TL: Boy, am I glad to hear that, for (Mirror editor) Andy Hobbs’ sake, of course. Speaking of, why do you suppose that Dr. Phil is so popular, even inciting a professional journalist like Hobbs to compose not one, but two fake interviews with him?
FH: As to the mass popularity of Dr. Phil, I can only speculate. Even in my time, people were longing for answers to some of the great questions of life.
TL: You mean like the “A Husband’s Shocking Confession” parts 1, 2 and 3?
FH: I missed those episodes, but please don’t interrupt me again or I’ll make you wear a hairshirt. As I was saying, people in positions of authority, like priests, were often looked to as having special insight into life’s great questions. Nowadays, television confers a false authority that many people, starved for meaning and direction, eagerly consume.
TL: And how do you explain Dr. Phil’s appeal to Hobbs?
FH: Who knows? This is the guy who gave us Pole Fitness and ghost sex, after all.
TL: Yeah, and he’s ordered another year’s worth of this column.
FH: You said it, not me.
TL: Do you find it disturbing that he is now working with video capabilities on The Mirror’s Web site?
FH: Frightening. I’m glad I believe in God.
TL: Amen to that, Father Hylebos. Well, it’s been a real pleasure talking with you. Do you have any last words of wisdom for the Federal Wayers of today?
FH: Yes, believe in yourselves and your future. Even back in my day, people from Seattle used to put Federal Way down. They called it the “smelly cowpatch by the road.” Of course, back then it was a smelly cowpatch by the road, but that’s not important. What’s important is that you keep believing in your growing sense of community and working with your neighbors to make your city better.
