Q: Mr. Federal Way, after all that “research” during the temporary ban on multifamily housing, it looks like the City Council won’t have accomplished much. When all is said and done, more apartments could come to Federal Way, bringing more traffic and more problems. Is this the right move?

A: Mr. Federal Way thinks the council members thought they’d be able ban them altogether. But, the jokes on them. They found out last winter that banning apartments could mean less federal funding and, well, it sounds like it could be illegal. So, fellow Federal Wayan, do you want a council that breaks the law? Do you want a council that discriminates? Or do you want a council that plays by the rules and tries to work with residents’ needs? Look, Mr. Federal Way understands. About 20 years ago, walking across South 320th Street wasn’t a big deal. Heck, there was barely anything to drive to either. Fact is, this ain’t a town anymore. The city is growing, King County is growing and, as Bob Celski put it, there’s going to be growing pains. Mr. Federal Way figures there’s three options: 1. Try to make your community a better place by treating your new neighbors like people instead of aliens, 2. Accept things the way they are and move on, or 3. Send city officials complaint letters covered in glitter. Glitter sticks to everything.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you see the Mirror this last week? Federal Way High has a Pacific Islander Club. Did you know about this? Man, I wish we had neat activities like this when I was in high school.

A: “Ae.” That’s yes in Hawaiian for all you less-traveled heathens. Some of the local neighborhood youngins go to “Fed” as they say, and the Pacific Islanders Club is a hot topic — they’re quite the craze. This craze has welcomed 60 to 80 kids. They might add No. 81 here soon. Mr. Federal Way gets down with a Beast Mode dance of his own on Sundays during football season. Every time the Hawks score, Mr. Federal Way’s No. 3 jersey goes flying as he celebrates with an excited, inexperienced old-man haka, which Mrs. Federal Way mistakes for a heart attack EVERY TIME. But the Lumana’i O Le Pasefika, or “Future of the Pacific,” is phenomenal. Thanks to the word-of-mouth marketing from the neighborhood runts, Mr. and Mrs. Federal Way took a cruise in the ol’ Dodge Plymouth and watched the kids win first place at the Samoan Arts and Academics Competition on April 29. Afterward, Mr. Federal Way promised only to haka in his living room — with the shades drawn.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, Sunday is Mother’s Day. What is your mother’s name?

A: None of your business.

Have a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff produced.