Q: Mr. Federal Way, what did you think about the Mayor’s Memo about the fish plant?

A: Mr. Federal Way owes a big “thank you” to the regulars down at the Mirror for publishing something that nearly caused him to spew his drink all over all over his computer monitor. So thanks. You jerks owe me a coffee.

Mr. Federal Way doesn’t know that he can can say whether he loved or hated Mayor Jim Ferrell’s “memo.” Still, because Mr. Federal Way is a celebrated writer with exquisite penmanship and a fine-tuned sniffer, the question you should be asking is, “Does the Mayor’s Memo pass the smell test?” And that, Mr. Federal Way can say with certainty, it does not. It stinks, and it stinks like a fish plant. Mixed with the subtle aroma of pure political panic. Boy howdy but hizzoner was quick to “clarify” his previous statement on Industrial Realty Group and the used-to-be-the-Weyerhaeuser property.

Mr. Federal Way won’t speculate whether Mayor James is trying to dance out of trouble or if he’s trying to salvage a re-election bid before it disappears in a puff of outrage. He’s like a multi-sport athlete, if “clarifying” were a sport. If you know where you are “going from here,” do you really have to clarify it? What also looks laughable is that the only citizen concern he really addressed was the landscape question. Mr. Federal Way is pretty sure the pitchfork-armed fishery opponents in our fair city expressed more concerns than just the one. Did he draft the message in a hurry? Is there a CliffsNotes version of citizen concerns somewhere that Mr. Federal Way hasn’t heard about?

Also, why do our city leaders need a “study session?” Mr. Federal Way hasn’t had a reputable social studies class since around the second grade, but even he can tell you that there are a few more loud, angry citizens than there are pleased, inside-voice-using ones. Boom, you’re welcome: study session not needed. The session was also, in part, to determine the “steps we as a city must take to determine if this proposal is appropriate for the current zoning,” according to Ferrell. In which case – um, isn’t the mayor the face of a city? Mr. Federal Way thinks a mayor should be able to make an assessment like that before asking the writhing masses to do it for him. So far, he’s gone from “for it” to “against it” to “sort of for it” to “please just tell me what to think and I’ll think it.”

But what does Mr. Federal Way know? He’s just a regular resident – one who knows election season is on the horizon.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you think the fish processing plant is a good use of the Weyerhaeuser property?

A: Mr. Federal Way’s inbox is pretty much “all fish factory, all the time” these days. It’s more aquarium than inbox. It’s SeaWorld, except Mr. Federal Way doesn’t routinely abuse the scales off a beloved orca just for fun and profit. Wait, do orcas have scales?

At any rate, the study session hasn’t happened as of right now, when Mr. Federal Way is writing this and is up against his deadline, and that little shoutfest should be enough to make everything pretty clear. Mr. Federal Way is taking over/under bets on how attendance at this one will compare to the 300 or so theater fans who attended the dramedy that was the “emergency City Council meeting” after the May murders. He’s figuring the over is the wise call, since old building are vastly more important than our neighbors dying. Obviously.

On that last note, did you know there was another murder in Federal Way two weeks ago? If you didn’t then it’s probably not your fault: only the Mirror and KOMO cared enough about that – the sixth murder in our fair city this year – to even write a story about it. Meanwhile, everyone from the Seattle Times to the News Tribune to the Business Examiner to whatever the heck PerishableNews is has weighed in on IRG, the Weyerhaeuser warehousers.

It’s official: Getting murdered in Federal Way is no longer considered particularly newsworthy. Also worth noting is that, of the six murders our fair city has had in 2016, only one of them has been solved.

There’s no joke to end this answer. This is how things are now.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, where are you going to watch the first Seahawks game?

A: None of your business.