Q: Mr. Federal Way, I’ve noticed Adelaide Elementary School doesn’t have lights on at night around the school — I saw none at all on when I drove past it on a Saturday. Why do you think that is? Don’t you think that looks like a big target that says “burglarize me?”
A: If Mr. Federal Way knows how to do anything at all, he knows how to squeeze some sweat off the Abe Lincoln on any penny he gets his mitts on.
Mr. Federal Way has seen that school at night on the weekend, and Mr. Federal Way can assume one of two things: One, the school district is spending its lighting budget on bigger, brighter things – repairs, upgrades, paying teachers actual money instead of attaboys and desperate requests they not quit for the Auburn district – or two, Federal Way is becoming the Hollywood of the Pacific Northwest and they’re filming a sequel to “The Abyss” right here in town (Mr. Federal Way’s title suggestions: “The Abyss Two: Abyssal Boogaloo,” or “The Abyss Part Three: Such an Abyss We Dug Right Past The Abyss Part Two”).
Assuming it’s the first option, Mr. Federal Way agrees with you. It’s a couple of Lincolns to keep the lights on, but it helps ward off chalkboard thieves and makes the surrounding neighborhood look nice. That part probably isn’t in the district’s shiny new “strategic plan,” which is silent on safety issues and focuses instead on student achievement. Mr. Federal Way isn’t sure if that’s out-of-the-ordinary or not, since he hasn’t really seen a “strategic plan” for schools before. That’s probably because they weren’t needed in Mr. Federal Way’s day: Back then, the only plan us student-squirts needed was the one that got us good grades and checked our back-sass so we didn’t get the belt from our parents after class.
Students have no business being at school past sundown or at any other time on a Saturday, so it makes sense not to keep lights on for the young’uns who aren’t there. But keep ’em on for the community. Those same students who skip through the Adelaide’s halls every day – wait, do kids still skip their stubby little legs around these days? – may go on the occasional evening walk with their families, and not having a pitch-black blot of abyssal boogaloo looks pretty pleasant.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, there’s been a lot of Seahawks chatter from you over the last couple weeks. That’s great and all, but did you even notice there’s a good chance the Mariners make the playoffs this year for the first time since 2001?
A: Mr. Federal Way’s on your side. He also likes your question, so he’s going to give you a bit of inside information.
Come on, don’t be shy, huddle in real close.
Mr. Federal Way hasn’t talked about his beloved Mariners in a while because a certain editor at a certain paper – let’s just say it rhymes with “the Nirror” – says he’d rather watch grass grow than talk about baseball. So your sarcasm shouldn’t be aimed at Mr. Federal Way – save it for guys like him who don’t believe in America’s Pastime.
Anyway, Mr. Federal Way digresses. The Mariners have a shot at grabbing that second wild card spot, and it’s a good sign for their chances that they close out the season against perennial dollar-store-barterers the Oakland Athletics. At least they get to try to do it here at Safeco and not in that reeking men’s bathroom Californians call “Oakland Coliseum,” a stadium that’s still the nicest part of the town it’s stinking up.
Mr. Federal Way wishes our boys the best of luck this weekend. “Luck” is the right word here, since all Mariners fans have by now gotten pretty used to the sickly-sweet smell of Postseason Disappointment, the dream-shattering cologne we wear in multi-generational solidarity with the sad Mariners fans who came before us (or, at least, those who came after 2001). The scent is like the Old Spice that dads across America wear because their dads did – familiar, comforting, and gross.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, how was your trip to the fair this year?
A: None of your business.
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
