Forgiveness often seems far away in this season of giving. Forgiveness is one of the hardest acts a human being can perform. Yet, it is the only act that can truly free you.
I am not talking about forgiving those who have hurt us. I am referring to the person we see when we wake up and look in the mirror. I believe many of us are sentenced to our own self-imposed jail. We have become our own prosecutor, judge and jury. The verdict is often one of guilty. Many religions tell us that heaven is out of reach if we are not forgiving. Heaven is for those who learn to turn the other cheek. Letting a wrong go and forgiving are hard to do, even on the best of days. People cope with the strain in different ways. Some turn to drugs, sex or the latest self-help book for that quick fix.
When those quick fixes stop working, the self-medication increases, and new books are sought. All this in the hopes that an emptiness inside will be filled.
The only real balm is self-forgiveness.
Pain and forgiveness are not foreign to me. During the holiday season, I walk around the mall and see family members enjoying themselves, smiling, having a great time. It seems to me I am the only one who cannot smile because of a secret I carry about a conflict in my own family.
I tried to take the first step. Looking at the telephone, heart racing, tears filling my eyes, I felt as though the telephone weighed a thousand pounds. There was nothing I could do but walk away. Waiting for an apology I knew would never come.
Every time we revisit our mistakes, or a wrong done to us, it replays those old feelings again — feelings that make us wish we were a better person, or that we could forgive others.
What is the problem? These feelings continue to resonate. Feelings of hurt or self-righteous anger. We are unable or unwilling to drop that invisible rock that has been carried for years.
Friends are quick to give brisk support. “Forget about it. Just let go.”
This easy wisdom often elicits a “yeah, right” response. “Easy for you to say.”
It is easier to forgive strangers than parents, siblings or ourselves. Forgiveness has always come hard from family members. I believe this is because of the emotional closeness of a family. Their words and deeds have a particularly strong impact.
I have struggled to forgive somebody in my family. My struggle has gone on for years. Of course, I felt justified in my anger, as we all probably do.
Who are the winners? No one. Everyone loses when you cannot forgive yourself or others.
Recently I had an Oprah moment, or maybe I just got tired of carrying that rock. The strain of that rock became more emotionally and physically taxing.
I finally got too tired and dropped the rock. I do not know if this is what I wanted; however, it was something that I needed to do. I finally either gathered enough courage or had enough pain to make a call that changed my life.
Several days ago, I picked up the phone, palms sweating, heart racing, just scared not knowing what to say. I called the number 10 times before an elderly woman picked up the telephone. When she answered, I said in between tears, “Hi, Ma, this is your son, and not a day has gone by that I didn’t miss you.”
The call made me forget about the argument, and those few words of forgiveness freed me.
