Q: Mr. Federal Way, the Mirror’s new website looks a lot better, but your columns are scattered around. Where can I find you?

A: If you’re too lazy to use the “search” feature, the opinion section is a few mouse scrolls below. Mr. Federal Way suggested Publisher Rudi Alcott dedicate an entire web page section to Mr. Federal Way but he never listens. It could be called “Mr. Federal Way’s corner” or “Tea with Mr. Federal Way.” Every column would appear in reverse chronological order. Mr. Federal Way also suggested Alcott give Mr. Federal Way a raise too, but, well, everyone knows he’s less than frugal. Fans and foes should promptly flood Alcott’s inbox with a petition for, “Tea with Mr. Federal Way” to become a reality. Ready, set, go.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I saw at the end of your column last week the words “staff written.” Is this your way of giving the community a clue to your identity?

A: Mr. Federal Way has a list of deplorables or, um, basket of deplorables. And the people who made Mr. Federal Way write “staff written” are in the column are in it. They joined Mr. Federal Way’s mother-in-law, Donald Trump, a couple of city officials and a couple of wanna-be politicians, which Mr. Federal Way is sure you can guess. You may not know this, but every once and a while Mr. Federal Way gets serious heat from a crabby corporate curmudgeon (that no one likes). Apparently the first name “Federal” with the last name “Way” isn’t enough of an identifier. Mr. Federal Way thinks the lawyers should lighten up and look at the ever-so-popular anonymous satirist who wrote “Iterating Grace: Heartfelt Wisdom and Disruptive Truths from Silicon Valley’s Top Venture Capitalists.” “Koons Crooks’ (the anonymous author) stuff was so good, book publishers chomped and now it’s in paperback. Talk about a brilliant marketing scheme. But, alas, Mr. Federal Way is not trying to publish a book (yet). Consider “staff written” a clue Mr. Federal Way gave grudgingly. Game’s on, folks. Whomever guesses first gets nothing.

Q: Apple pie or pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff written.