Q: Mr. Federal Way, I heard Sen. Mark Miloscia wants to audit homeless programs and fine cities with “lenient” encampment policies. I thought he was running for state auditor? Since when is it ethical for lawmakers to push laws that would impact their potential future job, especially one like state auditor where you need ethics to do it well?
A: Mr. Federal Way, once upon a time, believed that politics, underneath the smear campaigns and popularity contests, had a purpose: They could help the people.
But you can now consider Mr. Federal Way fully jaded. Miloscia’s comments are the icing on the cake after a full nine months of sweet, sugary Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton nonsense. This election season is like an awful, drawn-out episode of “Maury.” Can we just find out who the father is and get on with our lives?
Anyway, what you heard is true. Two months before people vote on him becoming next year’s state auditor, Miloscia has proposed to propose a homelessness bill this December that, if passed, would give the auditor a whole lot of power. But unfortunately, this proposal to propose a proposal proposes power over some of the state’s most vulnerable population: homeless men, women and children.
In a nutshell, Miloscia’s bill would pre-empt cities or counties from allowing heroin or drug injection sites, and it would prohibit people from camping on sidewalks, rights-of-way, school grounds and highway overpasses. Local governments who don’t enforce that law could lose state money. Also, never mind giving local power to cities to make up their own rules; there will be new state standards from the Washington Department of Commerce with “accountability and audit provisions by the state auditor built in.”
Mr. Federal Way’s favorite part of Miloscia’s plan is a silly bit in the middle about all homeless people being identified. That isn’t a joke; that’s in the plan. This can be easily accomplished by having them sew a large “H” on their shirts, although Mr. Federal Way admits this is a dicey proposition since it requires each homeless folk to actually have a shirt. Maybe a tattoo’d ID number would work better, and as a bonus it would be far more rain-resistant.
Double-M’s plan tries to de-fang the more terrifying ideas with one saying each person will be given a plan to move into housing. What he fails to realize, of course, is that there is no housing. Wake up, Mark: There’s a housing crisis, and even people working 40 hours a week are having a hard time finding a place to store their shirts.
I guess Em-and-em doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, though, because he calls on governments to redirect current housing funds to homeless efforts (never mind those Section 8 vouchers, eh?) and suggests the state dig up and use some additional funding. Mr. Federal Way would like to be in the room with ol’ Mark after he tells his fellow Republican lawmakers to allocate more money to homeless people when those same lawmakers are fighting over funding schools. We all know their order of importance: guns, fetal cells, war, education (specifically private), old people who vote, veterans (well, talking like they’re important), caring for the environment (insofar as “wanting to watch cars drilled through and torn apart for fun and profit” means one is “caring about cars”) and, eventually, homeless people.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, that Rams vs. Seahawks game was infuriating. How are those referees/league officials not fired already?
A: Mr. Federal Way knows when to call a spade a spade, and last Sunday’s game certainly wasn’t one for the books. In fact, it was sloppy.
Still, a few of the calls made against the Seahawks took Mr. Federal Way back to the golden days of yore, when one only had to accuse someone of theft to get front-row seats to an ol’-fashioned hand-choppin’ hootenanny. Was there no officiating being done before those (114 total) penalty yards were incurred? At least four of those 10 penalties had Pete Carroll as angry as Mayor Jim Ferrell getting called a liar during an Orca Bay Seafoods study session with special guest Mark Greene. Only difference? The 12th Man was right there with Carroll. We felt his anger.
Mr. Federal Way has a sneaky suspicion the NFL has a little something to gain by having the Rams win their first game back in Los Angeles – the second-largest media market in the country – in 22 years. Now, Mr. Federal Way isn’t saying that game was rigged or, you know, bought, but it’s a little peculiar that the Seahawks raked in three offensive pass interference penalties in one game. These are usually called a whole three to four times a season. But that’s none of Mr. Federal Way’s business, is it?
Q: Mr. Federal Way, how many Pumpkin Spice Lattes have you ordered this September?
A: None of your business.
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
