Q: Mr. Federal Way, the city is even closer to bringing some form of higher education to the city. How do you feel about that?

A: Well, being the distinguished scholar that Mr. Federal Way is, thanks to the greats such as Shakespeare, Hemingway and high-stakes beer pong, Mr. Federal Way can say he’s grateful for his college experience. Frankly, with all the violence and unsupervised shenanigans going on in this town lately, this city could use a more-refined establishment. But really, what is a “memorandum of understanding?” Mayor Jimmy says it’s a “commitment by each of the parties to work together” in order to bring higher education to the city. Now, Mr. Federal Way knows he can be a bit of a cynic — boom, word calendar plug — but, Mr. Federal Way interpreted his words to mean that basically the mayor, the Federal Way schools superintendent, UW-Tacoma chancellor and Highline president all made an adult version of a wish list to Santa Claus. Is that really what this was? Don’t misunderstand Mr. Federal Way, which folks like to do quite often, but seeing the initial stages of higher education come to light in the city is a good thing, a great thing even. But Mr. Federal Way would like to see a step greater than a Dear Santa letter.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you upset with how the Hawks ended their season with the loss to the Falcons?

A: Why? Why must you open old wounds? Really, was it Alcott who approved this question? Was Mr. Federal Way too harsh with the wage crack Mr. Federal Way made a couple weeks ago? Yes, Mr. Federal Way is very upset about his Seahawks being roasted by the Falcons. But we had a fantastic season, and Mr. Federal Way is always ride or die with the Hawks. However, Mr. Federal Way is also very disappointed with the Seahawks. With as good of an all-around kid that Russell Wilson is, both on and off the field, it’s clearly not contagious. It started with Richard Sherman a few weeks ago telling a reporter he’d “ruin his career.” No you won’t, Sherman. Then he went on to say he was not allowing media access to him in an attempt to teach them a lesson. First, Richard, is that how they teach football players to act at Stanford? Real mature. Second, the media doesn’t need you for sound bites. There are 52 other guys in that locker room, but apparently, if you had it your way, it would only be you. Thought there was no “I” in team. Then there was an injured Earl Thomas who tried to say Tom Brady wouldn’t succeed in Seattle’s division — a division with the 49ers … and the Rams. Really, Earl? Also, those are some brave words coming from the comfort of your living room, sir. Then there was Michael Bennett after the game on Saturday. He blew up on a reporter, who asked him about the Seahawks’ pass-rush troubles. After all this, Mr. Federal Way thinks maybe it’s good Seattle didn’t win a ring this year. Maybe what they need instead is to spend a 14-hour shift with a nurse to see what hard work and a little grace and humility looks like.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you have an accent?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.