Q: I read some place that Federal Way has over 95,000 people living here. What should the city do to keep up with growth?

A: Mr. Federal Way knows how mayoral candidate, Mark Greene, would answer that question. Apartments. Build more apartments. That was his answer on every topic from global warming to economic development at the recent debates hosted by the Mirror. If Mr. Federal Way had access to the crystal ball with the answer to this tangled-ball-o-yarn question, Mr. Federal Way would be applying for Steve McNey’s former position as BFF to the mayor. Or maybe even running for mayor himself. Although Mr. Federal Way can’t get his hands on any fortune-telling apparatus, he does have access to Google and the Internet and can confirm that your population estimate is correct. I’m sure Tim Johnson or Brian Davis at City Hall would love to address that question, and the length of their answer will have a direct correlation to the size of their high-powered director salaries.

Q: Which place serves the worst food in Federal Way?

A: Mr. Federal Way knows you are trying to get him to trash on all the local burger joints and taco bars serving gut bombs and deep-fried-everything, or the chain restaurants with slower service than America Online dial-up, but Mr. Federal Way is not going to fall into that trap. Instead he will reference a bridge that has long since been burned. Mrs. Federal Way’s sister takes the gluten-free-free-vegan cake on this one, folks! In the past few years, she has allegedly given up meat, dairy products and wheat and apparently expects the rest of her extended family to do the same. After a serious scandal the Federal Wayans refer to as “Buttergate” last Thanksgiving, we no longer let her cook for holiday meals. And coincidentally, her work scheduled often conflicts with holiday get-togethers since then. Mr. Federal Way believes anything referred to as “meat crumbles” or “soy spread” as a substitute for USDA approved anything, is not worth consuming. Mr. Federal Way would rather eat old copies of the Mirror. They are more colorful and more tasty!

This column is produced by Mirror staff. Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.