Q: Mr. Federal Way, I hope it’s not too late for this week’s paper, but were you at the Mirror debates this week? What happened with the mayor and the City Council candidate Mark Greene arguing? Why all of the yelling?
A: I was there. Quite the show, huh? And this was all free, courtesy of your local newspaper. Anyhow, back when Mr. Federal Way was just a youngster, before even Pac-Man was digitized, we had to actually get out and do something for entertainment. Mr. Federal Way joined this program called Awanas.
Basically, not much of this program is relevant to me now, but we had to come to Awanas every week with a Bible verse memorized. I can’t even remember now what John 3:16 is that they annoyingly hold up at all of the football games, but I looked up John 6:31 and it states in part, “He gave them bread out of Heaven to eat.”
This is what happened Wednesday night at the debates. From a political perspective, this “food” couldn’t have tasted any better.
Greene spouted off that he was told to run for City Council by Mayor Jim Ferrell’s campaign manager and that’s the reason he dropped out of the District 30 race. Ferrell took exception to this and stood up and said this was absolutely not true. This devolved into the moderator telling everyone to calm down, which no one did, and the war of words was on.
And how sweet they were. A few minutes later, during the open microphone session, Ferrell took his turn and demanded that Greene tell him who said this. Greene refused and then during closing statements stated that he would email Mirror editor Carrie Rodriguez the confirmation emails stating that he wasn’t lying. He had proof.
Ferrell was livid, and the crowd flagged the publisher down asking for popcorn. Mr. Federal Way loves public discourse, especially when Mr. Federal Way doesn’t have to generate it. Ah, for the love of politics. You just can’t make this stuff up.
Federal Way sure has some committed individuals and perhaps some that should be committed.
Mr. Federal Way is unsure which is worse, politicians and candidates arguing in a public forum with each other or the fact that this requires Mr. Federal Way to start quoting Bible verses. Both of these are not good.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think of this recent heat wave and did it affect your plans for fireworks? It did mine with a bunch of punk kids lighting these off at all times of the night.
A: Well, perhaps Mr. Federal Way has found a reader that is even more jaded than yours truly. Never thought this would be possible, but then again, I didn’t think it was possible to get an IUD in school before 13 years old either or to build a $200,000 park and then tear it down the next summer.
Mr. Federal Way is apparently being left behind in this ever-changing world.
Anyway, this heat wave has been brutal. It’s still 90 degrees at 10 p.m. and Mr. Federal Way is hot anyhow. Just ask Mrs. Federal Way. Why else would she stay with me?
Generally, Mr. Federal Way is rain adverse, but he is doing a rain dance if nothing else than to temper the heat and cool off this concrete jungle we call home.
Mr. Federal Way can bust a move once in a while. Yes, Mr. Federal Way did light off a mortar or 20, but did so where no grass or houses would be in the line of fire. Even Mr. Federal Way has morals. Not extremely lofty ones, but too many people want me to disappear anyhow.
Mr. Federal Way can’t give them another reason. The publisher boss is suspect of this writer anyhow so there’s no need to draw more unnecessary attention to this columnist. Displacing a family of 14 would likely do that.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what did you think of the city’s 25th anniversary celebration?
A: It seemed a little cheesy to Mr. Federal Way. Wisconsin-level cheesy. Mr. Federal Way doesn’t subscribe to a lot of pomp and circumstance as if that surprises you. The city should reduce Mr. Federal Way’s taxes and hand him a crisp $100 bill rather than throw a party for nothing else than turning 25.
Nobody threw Mr. Federal Way a party when he turned 25 many moons ago. Besides, it was on Father’s Day weekend, with a little golf tournament going on and half of it was in one park and the kiddie rides were in another “park.”
It was too complicated for the missus and Mr. Federal Way to figure out where to be with each kid. Did I mention it was Father’s Day? What was there for me to do?
Go on carnival rides, put together with multi-tattooed, sideways-hat-wearing, high-school-diploma-optional operators? Uh, no thanks. Mr. Federal Way went home and watched boring golf, while slicing off his fingernails with a dull butter knife.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what’s up with that new columnist, Judith Magruder, you have talking about barfing, Kim Kardashian’s butt and all other kinds of junior high locker room talk? Where did the newspaper editor dig her up?
A: Boy, Mr. Federal Way doesn’t know. She’s some kind of feisty, huh? Perhaps she used to be a sailor with the kind of things that come out of her mouth. Actually, the current editor was a former sailor. Maybe there’s a kindred connection there born out of wisdom and the liberal use of colorful four-letter words.
Can you imagine going over to a grandma’s house like hers? Mr. Federal Way can and Mr. Federal Way wants her to be his grandma.
None of that gosh darn it, dagnabbit kind of talk. Go to grandmas for Thanksgiving dinner and tell it like it is. Now that’s a party. Let’s just hope she wasn’t brought in to replace this columnist. Mr. Federal Way had better check into that.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, does your house have air conditioning and can I come over?
A: None of your business and $#%& no.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com
