• Aries (March 21-April 19): Follow your impulse to visit Federal Way’s official 2011 lighted Christmas tree at The Commons Mall. If you’re hoping for something bigger, understand that something is better than nothing. Pursue your vision of planting a towering coastal redwood at Celebration Park, then wrapping the tree in so many lights that it can be seen from space.
• Taurus (April 20-May 20): A romantic encounter awaits between you and Federal Way’s well-kept roads, which make more loyal and dependable companions than Seattle’s streets. Admire the smooth skin of Pacific Highway South, which is wrapping up construction after nearly a decade.
• Gemini (May 21-June 21): Embrace the spiritual connection between you, your family and the holidays. Bond through group activities like singing Christmas carols in Federal Way neighborhoods. Spice up the lyrics for “12 Days of Christmas,” which sounds much more interesting with four call girls, three French maids, two fertile doves and a mattress in a pear tree.
• Cancer (June 22-July 22): Success is on the horizon, so let your ingenuity lead the way. Channel your creative energy toward building that dream project: a soundproof box to house your mother-in-law while she’s in town for the holidays. Install twinkling lights around the small window that will be used for her daily feeding.
• Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Give more than you receive during the holidays, but don’t even think about re-gifting the personalized clown-themed Christmas sweater that Grandma shipped two months early, you ungrateful tightwad.
• Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Focus on the present. Be sensitive to the feelings of loved ones, who suffer in silence every time you clip your toenails during “A Christmas Story.”
• Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): When making his list and checking it twice, even Santa was surprised to find your name filed under nice, especially with your recent naughty behavior — and you know exactly what he means, buddy.
• Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Spread some extra holiday cheer this year, but not quite as much as you spread at the company party after losing count at the bar.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Clear communication is the key to understanding Federal Way’s most pressing problems, especially the Standards Based Education controversy plaguing the schools. Listen as much as you speak.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The stars predict that coyotes in Twin Lakes will leave your cat alone. Remind your furry Federal Way friends how much you love them. Give them some scritchins under the chin, aw yeah, that’s a good little kitty. If your cat responds in English, just do what she says, or you will lose an eye.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As children mimic your every move, learn to mimic their most sincere trait of all: their smile. Let children make you the better person you want to be. Shed all fears of leaving this world the same way you entered it: naked and screaming.
• Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Optimism is the best motivator. Share your ideas for raising the quality of life in Federal Way. Use your innate ability to raise the overall happiness of this city. A grand vision is in the stars for you, so seize it with all your might. Squeeze that vision until it trickles down your knuckles.
