Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think about Federal Way Councilman Martin Moore running for late Rep. Roger Freeman’s seat as a Republican? Those two were chums!

A: Mr. Federal Way was wondering the same thing — along with the rest of Federal Way, no doubt. The online story comments express these thoughts quite eloquently:

“I’m not surprised. Not even a little. At least he is finally showing his true colors. Many times I spoke with Martin and he told me he was NOT a Republican. I can’t wait to campaign for Carol Gregory.”

“I want to throw up at the way lil marty [sic] keeps invoking the idea that Roger would bless his actions. I think Roger would strangle him with the lap dog leash he had him on.”

“I’m sure Martin and Mark are familiar with the term “cafeteria,” as in “cafeteria Democrat.” Good luck trying to be “cafeteria Republicans!” — that is, if either of you are planning to hold on to any of your previously-held non-conservative ideals. The big corporate donors won’t come back when you don’t give them what they want (more billion$).”

Or this one:

“I greatly admire Mr. Moore’s chameleon-like capabilities. He sure knows how to speak out of both sides of his mouth.”

Now, Mr. Federal Way realizes some of these comments are mean and a little immature — after all, it’s politics. Would Freeman be upset that his right-hand man didn’t stick to the left? He’d probably be annoyed but Mr. Federal Way doubts he’d say some of the things these commenters are saying. Stay classy, Federal Way.

However, they capture the essence of betrayal. Politicians are hard enough to trust when they keep to their beliefs throughout their entire campaign, let alone their term if elected. Why would Federal Way want a leader who will say or do anything to get elected? Yes, Moore said he would vote bipartisan, but he also said a lot of other sweet nothings to Democrats. Mr. Federal Way’s bet is ya’ll Republicans are getting played too.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, is it legal to skin goats in your backyard and harvest them for food? I heard a rumor that a Federal Way resident skinned some goats and was draining their blood on his property. Isn’t this animal cruelty?

A: Unfortunately, the Federal Way Police Department has confirmed this disgusting case. On Dec. 22 Animal Control contacted a 36-year-old man only to discover he purchased three goats to get rid of a large blackberry bush in his backyard.

But once they ate the blackberry, he decided to slaughter them and harvest their meat for food. He told police he grew up on a farm and raised goats throughout his life and that he knew how to kill them humanely — strike them on the back of the head with a blunt object.

After he killed the poor creatures, he sliced off their heads and hung their bodies out to dry, literally. The man was later arrested on a $10,000 active warrant for illegal fish dealing and a DUI, but he wasn’t arrested or charged for killing the goats.

Because he acted as a farmer in slaughtering these goats for meat or food, the city stated they would not be proceeding with animal cruelty charges. Apparently, there was not an eye witness who could testify that the animals “suffered unduly” either.

Mr. Federal Way thinks this man must have grown up in rural Alaska. Nothing against Alaskans but he certainly fits the bill, no? A heavy drinking, outdoorsy, hunting type might also like Montana as well.

Either way, that’s not how things are handled in Federal Way. His backyard was more than 50,000 feet too small to own goats and if there had been a witness, it would have been obvious that the way he said he killed them would have been a case for animal cruelty. Mr. Federal Way is astounded at his stupidity and is thankful police had something to arrest him for.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you cry when the Seahawks made the best comeback and won last weekend?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.