Be jolly, safe and watch out for Uncle Arnold | People & Places

The season to be jolly is here. In my family, jolly sometimes took an odd turn.

By Judith Magruder • December 23, 2015 6:33 pm

The season to be jolly is here. In my family, jolly sometimes took an odd turn.

There was the Christmas when Uncle Arnold went to the bathroom and fell sideways into the bathtub. In an effort to break his fall, on the way down he grabbed the towel rack and pulled it out of the wall, plaster and all. He landed in the tub like a turtle on his back with his pants down around his ankles. Since he had locked the door, someone had to break the lock to rescue my uncle who was honking for help.

The entire family gathered in the hallway to assist in the rescue and help extinguish the fire he started when he dropped his cigarette on the carpet and ignited the towels on the floor.

My mother had to have the wall re-plastered, the bathroom painted, the carpet replaced and buy a new doorknob. It was a merry Christmas courtesy of Uncle Arnold, also known as the “RUINER OF HOLIDAYS.” I have never seen this man sober.

One holiday, my Aunt Gay fell to the floor, unconscious. Thinking her sister was experiencing a heart attack or stroke, my mother dialed 911 in a panic. Mom and her second husband, a bit of a turtle himself, followed the aid car to the hospital with Uncle Arnold and his two sons, Jim and Joe, in the back seat. A fist fight broke out with the force of a heavyweight championship title bout. My mother, fearful that teeth were going to fly, pulled over to the side of the road while her husband broke up the rumble in the back seat.

They arrived at the emergency room with Uncle Arnold and his sons all looking like Rocky Balboa following his final round with Apollo Creed in the original “Rocky” movie. They were still arguing when they heard Aunt Gay screaming from the examination room: “I’m not dying! I’m drunk!” And, certainly she was.

It was another merry Christmas, courtesy of the fighting Eagen family headed by Uncle Arnold.

I want to make it perfectly clear that Arnold was not a blood relative. He was married to my mother’s sister, Gay Flaherty, (not the Madden side of the family.) My very first memory of him was that he was probably from the bizarro world. I was able to determine by the age of 5 that he was an awful, sloppy, son-of-the-poor-unfortunate-woman-who-gave-birth-to-him, abusive jerk.

I have always been curious to know if there is some sort of subset of humans living among us. In addition to being the “RUINER OF HOLIDAYS,” Arnold sentenced an unfortunate pedestrian to life in a wheelchair when he was driving drunk. Knowing this, I developed the theory, as a child, that there are people in this world who may resemble humans in form, but their behavior has manifested in a way that is not in compliance.

I think, to be human, one should have a conscience and be cognitive of how our personal behavior affects others. We should recognize that we are here, each for the other, to give and receive love and to have compassion for those in need.

So, if you’re traveling on the road over the holiday, look out for Arnold and if you’re planning to celebrate at home, don’t invite him. Merry Christmas and be safe.