While wildly popular, the relationship in the best-selling book “50 Shades of Grey” is messed up in ways that aren’t gray at all.

Here are three ways this story misses the mark:

1) Fantasy vs. Reality: In this story, a strong, rich, handsome, sexually-experienced man meets an innocent, virginal, somewhat-independent-but-ultimately-submissive younger woman. Steamy sex scenes ensue.

Make no mistake, this is not about a real relationship. Readers inexperienced in relationships (i.e. many teens) may not fully understand how unrealistic and unhealthy the relationship between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey is.

If you know a teen who is enamored with this story, consider having a conversation with them, using some of these questions my colleague, Kirsten deFur, suggests.

What are the characteristics of Christian and Anastasia’s relationships that are healthy? Unhealthy?

What makes a relationship work well?

How can partners balance the needs of the couple and the needs of the individual?

What do controlling behaviors look and sound like?

Describe the negative impact controlling behaviors can have on a relationship.

What does a relationship based on equality look and sound like?

For more question suggestions, see fearlesssexualityeducator.com.

Finally, share what you hope for your teen in their real relationships and be there for them when they come to you while they are figuring those out.

2)  Power and Control.  In “50 Shades of Grey,” Christian had an abusive childhood where he never experienced unconditional love.

In real life, a person who has experienced that would most likely need therapy to heal enough to have a healthy relationship.

In real life, the misguided actions of a submissive woman who thinks that she should go along with whatever he wants so she can heal him with her love would not end well for either of them.

In addition, Christian uses his power to stalk Anastasia via a cell phone and computer he gives her, is jealous of her having relationships with friends, and tries to control where she can go, all in the name of “love”.

Reality check: none of these is a healthy use of power, nor are they expressions of truly loving someone.

More disturbing, the story ends up glamorizing an abusive relationship with ideas like “he’s so handsome; he’s more experienced; he’s wounded and needs my love.”

These are all common thought errors that tend to keep people in abusive relationships.  In real life, a person like Anastasia should consider a protection order against someone who behaves like Christian Grey.

3)  Communication, communication, communication.

In the story, Anastasia is offered a contract in order to be in a relationship with Christian. In real and healthy relationships, partners talk to each other about what they want to do together—whether it’s see a movie or go on a walk, or what they want to do in the bedroom.

Real people discuss and communicate about what they want and don’t want on a particular day.  Just because someone did something once doesn’t mean they want to do it again or this time.

They might want pepperoni instead of their usual mushrooms and sausage on the pizza you’re ordering. But you won’t know that if you don’t ask or they don’t speak up.

Don’t be fooled by all the media — “50 Shades of Grey” isn’t true romance; it’s a made-up story with unrealistic characters who improbably end up alright after all the messed up stuff they do.

Take it from me, it’s much more romantic to think for yourself, speak up, communicate and keep things real.

Amy Johnson, MSW, is a trainer, educator and coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is co-author of the books, “Parenting by Strengths: A Parent’s Guide for Challenging Situations” and “Homegrown Faith and Justice.” Amy facilitates classes and workshops in the Puget Sound area and online. She specializes in working with parents and in sexuality education.  Amy can be reached at comments@diligentjoy.com.