Q: Mr. Federal Way, I have watched as the council has continued to ban marijuana-related businesses in Federal Way, even though voters passed Initiative 502. This week, the council imposed another year-long moratorium. Enough is enough. What do you think about the council’s stall tactics and how do you think the council should have handled this issue?

A: Mr. Federal Way is speechless — er mystified — at how the council has handled this issue. As you know, Mr. Federal Way has repeatedly stated that Mr. Federal Way would never partake of the stuff, but he fully supports listening to the people.

As you have stated, the people voted in favor of Initiative 502. It appears to Mr. Federal Way that council members are the only ones who still need time to think about marijuana shops in the city. Mr. Federal Way thinks this should have ended long ago. The council continues to be worried about trite topics like “city image,” citizens going mad on the stuff, etc. instead of, you know, actual facts.

State image hasn’t suffered with Initiative 502 passing. No one believes that Washington or Colorado are more of a drug den than any other state because of it. Cheetos and pizza sales may have gone up, but let’s not act like that is a cause for alarm. Let’s not act like people are naive enough to believe that marijuana isn’t used in the city now. A shop does nothing to harm that image and, in fact, could bring the city more money. The city could always use more of that.

But since the council still refuses to acknowledge the demands of the people, perhaps it’s time for a different approach. Mr. Federal Way recalls that one time when the city’s government didn’t care what the people wanted, the mayor created the Blue Ribbon Panel for the Performing Arts and Conference Center.

While panelist members probably thought it was named for being a first-rate group, it actually turned out that blue was just the feeling the mayor inflicted on the public that was disallowed to vote on the issue.

But for the marijuana issue, Mr. Federal Way suggests a Green Ribbon Panel.

Meetings can be held in someone’s hazy basement while sitting in a circle. All meetings will be recorded by a single camera in the middle of their table that pans around to each individual. The group can be filled with people who clearly smoke marijuana so the mayor can once again get his way, except this time the people will be on his side. Mr. Federal Way suggests names like Cheech and Chong, Snoop Dogg, those actors from that show Mr. Federal Way just referenced a moment ago (keep up people), any random contemporary pop music star, tons of college kids who are currently studying their way to becoming future leaders of America and perhaps those grandmothers in that viral video that tried pot for the first time and got hungry.

All Mr. Federal Way is trying to say is that we should just give the people what they want and give marijuana shops a chance. Until that happens, Mr. Federal Way will remain absolutely speechless about the council’s tactics.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, there’s an eyesore along Pacific Highway South of a burned down business complex that confronts me every time I drive in and out of Federal Way. Why is the city allowing this ugly shell of a building to just sit there?

A: Mr. Federal Way has seen that building and it is a shame it has yet to be cleaned up. However, you may not be looking at it for much longer as a city official has posted a notice regarding the site and its demolition. The notice gives the owner a certain amount of time to respond and clean up the site if they choose to do so. Mr. Federal would like to believe that deadline is coming soon. The problem with that is that the council might actually like this eyesore. What better way to send their message about pot than keep the charred remains of a building that once housed an illegal pot growing operation? It’s as if they want to say that this is what will become of legal pot shops, but instead of burning the actual building, it’s just hopes and dreams.

In all seriousness, it needs to be cleaned up. It is an eyesore and not a very good welcome to the great city of Federal Way. If nobody else will get started on it, Mr. Federal Way will make sure someone in the city takes care of it. Mr. Federal Way has ways of getting things done.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what did you do to help improve the environment on Earth Day?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com