Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you have any New Year’s resolutions?

A: Everyone else is making New Year’s resolutions. It’s Mr. Federal Way’s turn.

Mr. Federal Way’s are the only ones that count so listen up and take notes. You’ll thank him later.

• To slow down on the construction of the apartment buildings. This is past sublime and is not what Federal Way wants to become. The first family of Federal Way does not pay as much in taxes as we do to deal with all of these apartments. Enough is enough. City Council take heed. You do not have to be complacent and allow this. Becoming Mr. Auburn is beginning to sound much nicer. Mr. Federal Way will be following Matthew Jarvis out of town if this continues.

• To quit handing out the Keys to the City to every person that is on the mayor’s friend list unless, of course, these come attached to a Ferrari. If this is the case, then Mr. Federal Way wants one too.

• To give directions to the city’s Chief of Staff Brian Wilson to the Mirror’s main office. We have a bunch of coupons in the paper each week that he can use to save money for retirement. He is going to need this once his retirement benefits get denied for the third time. Or, he could retire, quit trying to seemingly double-dip with the taxpayers of Federal Way and Mr. Federal Way will talk with the publisher about getting him the coupons for free. Just another service that Mr. Federal Way offers.

• To clean up the boarded up houses on the main thoroughfares. The boarded up house on the corner of 320th Street and 21st Avenue is a nice touch that Mr. Federal Way has to drive by each day. Perhaps Mr. Federal Way will stop at Wal-Mart, grab some paint and paint windows on the plywood. At least it will look less like a hot mess.

• To figure out why the school board continues to use policy governance. Policy governance in short is the ability of the school board to give general directions to the superintendent and then step aside and let the superintendent run the district. Nothing like an elected official completely washing their hands of any and all oversight. It’s situations like this that make Mr. Federal Way dislike politicians even more. Mr. Federal Way should try policy governance at home with the missus. That will have direct consequences, most likely in divorce court.

• To figure out why the Mirror’s main number gets an average of two calls per day asking what the hours are so the caller can come and buy marijuana. Yet no one, repeat no one, has ever called asking about the Performing Arts and Event Center. Those little things that make you go, “hmmm.”

• To plant a cockroach-size bug in the publisher’s ear to hire an editor that will actually let Mr. Federal Way write what I am really thinking. Editor Carrie Rodriguez was recently promoted to a different newspaper and this is good for Mr. Federal Way. Now come the real writings, not the sanitized version momma Carrie wanted to see. Hang tight, this is going to get real.

Here are Mr. Federal Way’s Magic 8-Ball predictions for 2016. I should get paid better for this. Perhaps CNN or the Onion will come calling.

• The Weyerhaeuser property will be sold to an apartment complex builder and the bonsai trees will be used for the building of said apartments.

• The McCleary decision will fully fund education but in a unique twist the school district will still run a ballot measure for a building levy. It will fail miserably, but the tech levy will pass easily. In a kink only deemed worthy of late night TV, all of the new tech levy equipment that is purchased will be ruined by leaking roofs from the failed building levy.

• Newly-elected 30th District Representative Teri Hickel will be re-elected in November in a landslide over a Democrat and the transition of Federal Way from a “purple” city to a “red” one will be complete. Moreover, Donald Trump will stop in Federal Way on his campaign trail and immediately reduce Federal Way’s population in half by kicking out all of the Korean and African-American population telling them to “go back to where they came from.” The Republicans will rejoice and America will be set back to the dark ages. Tears will roll down Lady Liberty’s cheeks.

• The Performing Arts and Event Center will be delayed as it will be found that the ground it is to be built on is actually on an undiscovered gold vein. This vein will be mined and the resources will be depleted for police funding to patrol all of the new apartment buildings.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, who is going to write this article now that the editor is leaving?

A: None of your business, but nice try. Wrong again.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com