Feeling that I am probably falling behind in the technology race, I decided to call out to Redmond and see if I could get any words of wisdom from Microsoft.

After about 200 rings, a man’s voice answered: “Good morning, this is Microsoft. How may I direct your call?”

I gasped. The voice on the phone sounded just like Bill Gates! “My gosh, you sound just like Bill Gates,” I said.

“I am Bill Gates,” the voice said. “How may I direct your call?”

“But if you are Bill Gates, why in the world are you answering the phone?” I asked, trying to sound cool.

He sounded a little testy when he answered. “Because the receptionist called in sick. Hold on, I’ve got to take another call.”

When he came back on the line, he apologized. “Sorry, we’re pretty busy this morning. Now, who do you want to talk to?”

“I don’t really know,” I replied. “I just wanted to hear what some of the new computer stuff will do for us, like turn lights off and on, or whatever. Could I just ask you a few questions?”

“If you don’t mind being on hold when I answer other calls, hold on.”

My head spun with all the great questions I wanted to ask. I actually had the man himself on the line.

“I’m back,” he announced. “Ask away.”

“What great advances do you see coming up in the next millennium?” I gripped my pencil in breathless anticipation.

“I predict that men will walk on the moon, stuff like that,” he said.

“But they have already done that,” I said.

“Darn,” he replied. “Next question?”

“When are you going to move into your new house?” I asked.

“We’re still waiting on loan approval,” he said. “Hold on.” He came back on the line. “I’m back.”

“How,” I asked, “does it feel to be the richest man in the world?” Dumb question, I thought, but I was really reaching at this point.

“Big deal,” he said, sounding glum. “Ever try to cash a check at Kmart?”

“You shop at Kmart?” I asked.

“They had a hot price on Fruit of the Looms,” he replied.

“This isn’t working very good, hold on,” he said, and I heard him shout: “Melissa, put the baby down and help me with this damn phone!”

“I’m back,” he said. “Now, where were we? Darn, hold on.”

I held on for two days, but he never came back on the line.