Last night, I had the honor and privilege of working with a group of parents struggling to decide how to teach their teens about sexuality — and how much they wanted their children to know.
It was not my job to tell them what they should want for their children. It was my job to create a structure that was safe and open enough for them to have an honest conversation. Even though we did not all know each other well — in fact, there were some in the room who had not met before that night — it was an intimate experience.
Intimacy is often used as a synonym for sexual intercourse. However, the intimacy I am talking about is emotional closeness. To have this type of intimate experience generally requires some level of trust, honesty and vulnerability. It is possible, though much less fulfilling, to engage in the act of sexual intercourse without intimacy.
Intimacy at some level is important in healthy, satisfying relationships, especially any that include sexual behavior. When we talk with our children and teens about sexuality, it is important to include discussions about intimacy. They need to know our values about relationships, and the importance of trust and honesty in any relationship that includes behaviors and risks of a sexual nature.
Some teens and adults report they would feel too embarrassed to talk to a potential partner about choices for behaviors they want and don’t want to engage in, or about choices regarding protection. Help them understand: This is an indication of their readiness to engage in the behavior. If they cannot even have a conversation about it, or use words to describe what they want and don’t want, they are not ready on some level to engage in that behavior.
Feeling ready for sexual behavior on a physical level is about sensuality. It is about hormonal reactions, bodily responses and what feels, sounds, looks, tastes and smells good. Feeling ready on an emotional level requires intimacy, not only with another, but with oneself. We need to talk with our children, teens and young adults about what is honestly involved in the decision. What are the possible repercussions with this person if I don’t like what we do? If we break up? If she or he tells someone else? If our parents find out? If the protection fails and a disease or pregnancy results? When young people — and adults — are honest about the size of the decision they are making, it often affects the answer to the question: “Is this something I really want to do?”
Values don’t fall out of the sky and automatically attach themselves to our children. If we are too embarrassed to discuss sexuality with our children or teens, we are abdicating their education to their peers, the media and chance. Is that something you really want to do?
