Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you see the letter to the editor talking about the need for a “thoughtful discussion on gun control?” What do you think about that?

A: Let’s do this. Lock and load — see what Mr. Federal Way did there? Well, if Mr. Federal Way has it right, the question was: “Will it ever be possible to have a more thoughtful dialogue on the topic of gun control?” You, sir or madam, are fantastic, one of a kind because it sounds like you truly believe that it is possible. But this question is more of a dead end than the Sopranos series finale. As long as humans possess emotion, there will never be a “thoughtful” discussion regarding guns. The gun topic is more of an emotional roller coaster than a Cookie and Luscious Lyon argument. Speaking of which, why reference a legendary movie like “Cool Hand Luke”? Luke Jackson is cinematic genius. Mr. Eto is probably right. Humans have a failure to communicate. When it comes to guns, however, no matter whose side you’re on, what we have here is a failure to be responsible and harness common sense.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, the Seahawks’ schedule was released last Thursday. What do you think about it?

A: Frequent flyer miles are a beautiful thing you know that? Is Mr. Federal Way excited? No. It’s April. Mr. Federal Way is more excited that potholes are being filled along the highways this time of year. When Russ starts to shed some of that dad bod, Mr. Federal Way will know it’s time. Mr. Federal Way has indeed seen the new schedule. He’s even begun the process of making appointments at his favorite tanning bed joints in Glendale and Jacksonville. Mr. Federal Way’s looking at you, Four Seasons Tanning Salon. As excited as Mr. Federal Way is for the new season, he’s got a bone to pick with Darth Roger Goodell and the Galactic Empire that is the NFL. Mr. Federal Way would like to meet the genius who decided it was a great idea to make the Hawks face the Dallas Cowboys on Christmas Eve. It’s bad (bad doesn’t even begin to cover it) enough Mr. Federal Way has to spend that night with the in-laws. But now these probe droids are making Mr. Federal Way sneak around the mother-in-law to catch a glimpse of the game. The woman wields carving materials that night. Fantastic. At any rate, it’s a risk Mr. Federal Way will take. Cheers to new football beginnings and go Hawks.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what sort of new things does the new publisher have in store for the Mirror?

A: None of your business.

Have a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff produced.