Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think about the candidates interviewing for the vacant City Council seat? Who would you like to see chosen for that seat?

A: Wow. Stop the presses, as they say! See, now what we have here is an intelligent, thoughtful question. It’s been awhile. Yes, sir and/or ma’am, those interviews are very important. But what you have done is put Mr. Federal Way between a rock and a hard place. See, if Mr. Federal Way is going to offer up a name, it’s going to look like some kind of endorsement … Alcott may not like that and dock my $1.50-an-hour pay rate. Mr. Federal Way has a beer habit to feed. From a purely black and white standpoint, Bob Celski and Diana Noble-Gulliford are the most comfortable choices for Federal Wayans because they’ve both served on the council previously. Mr. Federal Way recommends keeping an eye on Gregory Baruso, though. They’re all decent choices, but Mr. Federal Way would like to take a left turn (Ha! NASCAR pun! Nailed it!) if he may. Maybe Mr. Federal Way’s diehard fans can answer a question: With as much as that Jerry Galland guy likes to flap his chops about what’s going on in the city, why isn’t his name on the list as a candidate? He seems to have an opinion or solution to every issue the city is presented with. Same with that Bob Roegner character! I want Bobby Roeg’s name on the candidate list. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. At any rate, good luck to whomever is chosen.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, now that the calendar has changed to the new year, the mayor should be preparing for his re-election campaign, right? What do you think about that, and what issues do you think he’ll campaign on?

A: First, Mr. Federal Way is disappointed. Back to the terrible questions. Answering that question is like answering, “Why does steak taste delicious?” Who knows, it just does. But since you asked, here we go. Who knows. It’ll probably look like that kid who forgot he had a test on the day of the test and is studying an hour before. Mr. Federal Way knows what you’re thinking: hashtag train wreck, but Mr. Federal Way hopes Ferrell starts the trend of the fish costume. We already have the shark costume, so why not? Jimmy’s got plenty to work with, though. The fish plant, a city on the brink of martial law, the idea that folks would like to see a place of secondary education here. But Mr. Federal Way knows the platform that’s coming: “I’m Jim Ferrell. Re-elect me ‘cause I’m awesome.” If he’s smart, he’ll say the right thing, like “make this city safer” or “bringing higher wage jobs.” You know — the common sense stuff. It’s said in the world of politics that incumbents rarely lose their races. But this is Federal Way — anything’s possible. Feel free to use that one, Jim. The first one’s free.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, where did you watch the Peach Bowl?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.