Q: Mr. Federal Way, I saw an announcement in the Mirror that the annual tree lighting is coming up. Have you been, and what do you like about the holiday season?
A: Aye, Mr. Federal Way has been to the event in previous years, the good ole days. But Mr. Federal Way’s been to enough holiday shindigs. Mr. Federal Way’s had enough. No more. The tree lighting is nice, and if there’s one thing this city needs given…recent events…it’s an opportunity to come together and take in a bright, colorful, joyous event. But all the gathering in tight quarters, people laughing, spilling their coffee or hot cocoa all over Mr. Federal Way’s comfy loafers. Nope. Mr. Federal Way will take the opportunity to admire one of the city’s shining moments of the year from Mr. Federal Way’s couch — with clean, untouched loafers. But, if you haven’t been, Mr. Federal Way recommends you go. Unless you’re an anti-social recluse like Mr. Federal Way. If that’s the case, look Mr. Federal Way up.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, I saw that Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson recently became a part of the Sonics Arena Group. Isn’t that exciting?
A: Um…that’s old news, sir and or ma’am. See, here’s yet another bit of inside information from the Mr. Federal Way vault of information. Mr. Federal Way is on an exclusive mailing list. One where he gets top secret emails from this top secret organization called The Player’s Tribune. OK, OK, so it’s no top secret, and any average Joe can subscribe, but yes, my close friend Russ wrote an open letter in it called “Boomshakalaka.” In this letter he announces he has officially partnered with Chris Hansen’s Sonics Arena Group. On the good side, it’s fantastic to see just how dedicated this young man’s commitment to the state is. But, if Mr. Federal Way could “keep it real,” as the kiddies say, Mr. Federal Way doesn’t see his presence or wallet making much of a difference. From what Mr. Federal Way understands, the NBA is in no position to expand anytime soon, and the collective bargaining agreement could be in limbo in two years, which would make it difficult. Not to mention, a Sonics 2.0 would put the league at an odd number (31 teams), which creates all kinds of math problems. If the Sonics are going to come back, there would need to be two new expansion teams. But, as Mr. Federal Way and Journey says: Don’t stop believin’!
Q: Mr. Federal Way, where do you do your Christmas shopping?
A: Stores that sell things. And none of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff written.
