Recently, one of my sons wanted to talk about the response to sexual assault on his college campus.

Across our country, assault victims are still encouraged not to “make a big deal” out of an assault (meaning press charges).  Services for those assaulted are lacking on many campuses, and survivors are still implicated as complicit due to alcohol or drug consumption, attire worn, or a decision about where to be — even though none of these things constitutes consent.

And learning about consent starts much earlier than young adulthood, or even adolescence.

Paige Lucas-Stannard of Parenting Gently outlines four ways parents unintentionally teach that consent isn’t important.

1. Tickling

We need to stop when our children say no, when they say stop, or when they look distressed — even if they are laughing and even if they tell us to resume once we’ve stopped. If we don’t, we are teaching them that their words do not matter and that when they say stop, others don’t have to listen.

We teach them that their desire for someone to stop touching them isn’t as important as the desire of the tickler. It may seem like a small thing, but it’s not. By stopping when your child says “stop,” you teach a valuable lesson that their body is theirs and they get to say how it is touched. By pausing every once in a while to say, “do you want me to keep going?” you teach the idea of continual consent.

2. Denying feelings

Let’s say my child is angry and announces, “I hate grandma!” and my immediate response is, “You don’t hate grandma. You LOVE grandma!” While it may seem like I’m teaching my child manners, I am teaching them to ignore their feelings if I do this.

If this happens on an ongoing basis, we inadvertently teach our children to not trust their feelings when something isn’t quite right. Years later in a relationship where coercion is happening, it could sound like, “Oh, honey, don’t be so upset. He’s just having a bad day.”

To be clear, I’m not advocating for a verbal grandparent hate-fest over the holidays. If the above happens, consider responding with, “Tell me more. You sound angry.” This will help you get closer to the real issue, perhaps that grandma wouldn’t let your child have another cookie. Then you can validate your child is upset and support grandma at the same time.

3. Forced affection

Speaking of grandma, forcing our children to hug or kiss relatives is another way we unintentionally teach kids they aren’t in charge of their bodies. Here are some alternatives. Offer your child a choice of one of the following greetings: Hello (or goodbye), a handshake, a high five or a hug.

You are still teaching good manners, greeting skills and connection with relatives. However, your child learns choice in how they share their body. Give well-meaning relatives a heads up so they don’t undermine your efforts by scooping your child into a bear hug, when he or she was practicing their handshake greeting.

4. “Always” respect your elders

Again, I’m not advocating tossing manners out the window; however, just because someone is older doesn’t mean they have carte blanche over our bodies. If we teach our children that adults are “always” right, they may distrust their own discomfort when something is off.

Encourage your child to respect adults, and tell them repeatedly that their bodies deserve respect. Tell them that if anyone touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, they should tell you. Then, you need to listen if they do come to you.  It can be tempting to dismiss a child’s discomfort, but it is important not to if we want them to be able to continue to recognize inappropriate advances.

No parent I know intentionally teaches their child that consent doesn’t matter. Paying attention to these common behaviors can go a long way in infusing our children with a strong sense of knowing their bodies are deserving of respect. Understanding this can help them stand up to bullying, leave unhealthy relationships and even avoid sexual assault. Consent matters.

Federal Way resident Amy Johnson, MSW, is a trainer, educator and coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is co-author of the books, “Parenting by Strengths: A Parent’s Guide for Challenging Situations” and “Homegrown Faith and Justice.” Amy facilitates classes and workshops in the Puget Sound area and online. She specializes in working with parents and in sexuality education. Amy can be reached at comments@diligentjoy.com.