Once, I attended an event where there was a professional and engaging guest speaker.
At one point, the speaker asked for a reaction to a video clip, in which a comedian had made a passing remark about an ethnic group. I said I found that racist.
The speaker was hoping for reactions to something else in the clip. In an effort to show “no harm, no foul,” the speaker turned to a person in the class who was a member of the ethnic group that had been made fun of in the comedian’s piece, and asked that person how they felt about the joke.
The participant politely said they heard it as a joke and weren’t offended. I said that I understood, and I also wanted them to know I wasn’t expecting them to speak for all people in that ethnic group.
Many people could easily have left that event thinking, “I don’t have to be worried about laughing at that joke because that person said it was OK with them and they weren’t offended. The comedian was just kidding around.”
I’ll never know for sure what they really thought, though I do know that the participant and several people thanked me afterward for my comments.
It’s easy to think “It was just a joke. They were kidding! You’re being too sensitive.” However, laughing at or telling jokes that perpetuate stereotypes can make people feel belittled for who they are.
I used to tell blonde jokes. I used to think, “This shows I’m not overly sensitive and offended when people make fun of me.” Now I realize that perpetuating the idea that women are dumb, even in joke-telling, conflicts with my values, so I stopped telling those jokes.
If someone tells a Caitlyn Jenner joke, and you laugh, you’ve just made it less safe for any person in that group hearing the joke who is transgender or gender fluid to come out. Not only that, you’ve made it less safe for someone to admit they have a family member or friend who identifies as genderqueer or gender non-conforming.
The Anti-Defamation League has an exercise called the Pyramid of Hate that I’ve used when speaking with adults and youth about diversity and privilege.
At the bottom of the pyramid is “bias.” This includes things like demeaning jokes, stereotyping, insensitive remarks and using non-inclusive language. At the top of the pyramid is “genocide.”
Now, people who tell offensive jokes don’t often commit genocide. However, people don’t become a person who commits genocide without starting by being taught to engage in the first level of the pyramid, which is belittling and dehumanizing others.
It’s like the story that says if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put the frog in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog will boil to death.
If you start killing people because they are gay or trans, that’s a hate crime — akin to genocide. Most people wouldn’t consider doing anything like that. They’d jump right out of the water.
But what about bullying kids who don’t conform to gender norms? What about teasing them? What about discrimination in the workplace because of the way someone expresses their gender? What about laughing at or telling those jokes? Those are the slow-boil activities.
Hatred starts with dehumanizing certain people. We can do better.
Seriously.
Amy Johnson, MSW, is a Trainer, Educator and Coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is co-author of the books, “Parenting by Strengths: A Parent’s Guide for Challenging Situations” and “Homegrown Faith and Justice.” Amy facilitates classes and workshops in the Puget Sound area and online. She specializes in working with parents and in sexuality education. Amy can be reached at comments@diligentjoy.com.
