• Aries (March 21-April 19): The community will bring you a fruitful and rewarding autumn, so return the favor. Immerse yourself in local culture and attend Arts in the Garden at the world-renowned Rhododendron Garden. Good karma awaits those who donate to the Federal Way Mayor’s Day of Concern for the Hungry.
• Taurus (April 20-May 20): Be receptive to change and expect the unexpected, especially with the happy-go-lucky young adults and their unleashed pit bull roaming your Federal Way park. Keep your kids away from these unpredictable dogs and their vise-grip jaws. On the bright side, it’s OK to sic the pit bulls on any King County officials who use the “gang problem” for political gain at the expense of South King County’s reputation.
• Gemini (May 21-June 21): Just like JFK and Marilyn Monroe, you are one sexy Gemini. Don’t worry about coming on too strong with your idea for a Monroe tourist attraction in Federal Way, featuring a vent that blasts air up your skirt. Your ideas for tourism will inspire a realistic plan for cashing in on popular culture.
• Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your favorite outfit of a Seahawks jersey, tight pink sweatpants and high heels will become fashionable this weekend — until you wear those clothes outside The Commons Mall.
• Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): In a deserted parking lot, you will encounter a long-haired, bearded and charismatic but often misunderstood Jewish carpenter with a bunch of revolutionary ideas who goes by the name Bernie Goldstein.
• Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Avoid scapegoats when expressing your dissatisfaction. The cauldron of controversy at Thomas Jefferson High School may signal armageddon, so stock up on chicken soup, bottled water and diapers for your underground backyard bunker. Take comfort in knowing this storm will pass.
• Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): September is the time to honor and celebrate the harvest of your summer efforts, unless your summer was spent indoors eating Doritos and playing video games, in which case it’s best to continue living in mommy’s basement.
• Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): You feel a strong need to rid yourself of toxic relationships. Find solace in new friendships or call up an old acquaintance. And if you text on a cellphone one more time while driving, God will give you a cold sore.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Plan a romantic evening in Federal Way with your significant other at one of the city’s restaurants, which span the ethnic spectrum. If you feel overwhelmed, look to your partner for support. If your marriage woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, then quit hogging the bed.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will face a challenging situation before your peers. If you can’t dazzle the audience with your brilliance, then baffle them with B.S. If all else fails, get them drunk.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Listen to your friends today and heed their advice. One of them holds the keys to your next adventure. The other one holds the keys to your car because you drive like a maniac.
• Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A random meeting with a stranger in Federal Way will open new opportunities for your career and romantic pursuits. Embrace the opportunity and go with the flow. Let your dreams lead and your body will follow.
