Every once in a while, I get a phone call from a parent who has found porn sites on their child’s internet history. They’ve already discussed internet safety with their child; she or he is a great kid and the parents are in shock. What should they do?
Here are some tips and guidelines for parents in this scenario.
Tip No. 1: Keep perspective. Today’s youth are online constantly and have access to lots of information and pictures. The average age that young people are now seeing pornography online is age 10, according to a recent study from the University of Montreal. This doesn’t mean every 10-year-old has seen porn, but it does mean that kids are exposed to a lot more a lot earlier than most of their parents were.
Your child may have come across a site because a friend sent them a link, or they heard a word they didn’t understand and decided to look it up. Whatever the reason, many young people are seeing pornographic images, so if you find this in their online history, you’re not alone.
Tip No. 2: Stay calm. Research also shows that viewing explicit sexual images, even if the youth did not want to see them or are uncomfortable viewing them, is not associated with risky sexual behavior. If your child has viewed pornography, it doesn’t mean they are going to start engaging in those behaviors.
In addition, freaking out is not generally a good parenting technique. Calm, caring conversation is much more likely to get your point across in a way your child will hear you.
Tip No. 3: Take a deep breath and talk. You can say something like this (edit to include your values): “I found some sites in the history on your phone/tablet/laptop that were disturbing to me because they look like pornography. I want you to know that I do not want you to look at pornography. Pornography is something that is made for adult entertainment and isn’t for kids/young people to look at. Porn does not portray sexual relationships in a realistic, healthy, respectful way. That concerns me because what I want for you is to learn about sex in a healthy way. What that means in our family is this: (insert your values about sexual relationships here).
“I want you to be able to ask questions you have, and find out answers to things you might hear about but don’t understand. If you have a question, please ask me (you may have other trusted adults you would also suggest to your child). I will do my best not to freak out, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll help you find out. That’s a better way to find out what you want to know.”
Tip No. 4: Set boundaries. One of the things you provide for your child is boundaries. Let your child know that you are going to monitor where they go on their devices, and if you see the device being misused, they will lose the privilege of having it — either temporarily or permanently.
Tip No. 5: Know when to seek help. Your child or teen may test you to see if you’ll really follow through with what you said. If they ignore your rules repeatedly, you see school work or social activities suffering, or you are concerned they are becoming addicted, seek help (see resources below).
Tip No. 6: Breathe. You aren’t the first parent to go through this, and you won’t be the last. The important pieces are communication and your relationship with your child.
And breathing. Keep breathing.
Resources:
Both of these therapists are experienced in treating pornography addiction:
• Chris Causey, MA, Tacoma Recovery Counseling: www.chriscausey.com or 253-212-3226
• Jo Langford, MA: www.jolangford.com or jo@beheroes.net.
Amy Johnson, MSW, is a trainer, educator and coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is co-author of the books, “Parenting by Strengths: A Parent’s Guide for Challenging Situations” and “Homegrown Faith and Justice.” Amy facilitates classes and workshops in the Puget Sound area and online. She specializes in working with parents and in sexuality education. Amy can be reached at comments@diligentjoy.com.
