Welcome to the Good News Channel, your only 24-hour source for good news in Federal Way and the Puget Sound region.

Due to low ratings caused by non-controversial reporting, this will be our final broadcast as the Good News Channel. Starting Monday, this program will be known as the adults-only “Sleaze Factor,” featuring plenty of sex scandals, celebrities, partisan politics, crashes, deaths, fires, drugs, more sex, gossip and plenty of celebrities. And sex.

Here are today’s non-controversial headlines, exclusively on the Good News Channel:

• A local elected leader is following through on a campaign promise. Federal Way City Councilman Roger Freeman, who vowed to bring more cultural festivals to Federal Way, is leading a planning committee to revive the Martin Luther King Celebration.

• SeaTac International Airport reported no crashes last week. Thousands of flights departed and arrived safely. No idiots tried to blow up the airplanes with exploding underwear or shoe bombs.

• No violent crimes were reported April 28 in Federal Way. That date marks the last full moon, which sometimes unleashes the beastly side of humans. The next full moon is May 27.

• This spring, thousands of American students will become the first in their families to earn a college degree.

• A local man held the door for a woman he did not know. Sources say the woman had her hands full.

• After being told they would never conceive a child, a local couple finally delivered a healthy baby girl. That was last year. Their second child will arrive this fall.

• A local police officer issued a ticket to a woman who was talking on her cell phone while driving. The ticket inspired the woman to stop talking on her cell phone while driving.

• A local woman finally stood up to her abusive husband by leaving with their two young children and finding a safer place to live. A restraining order has been filed against the man.

• Two teenagers survived a pregnancy scare. They can now resume plans to attend college and delay the responsibilities of adulthood.

• No deaths have been linked to the passage of the federal health care bill. Unfortunately, the Good News Channel’s policy prohibits reporting on deaths linked to the lack of a federal health care bill.

• You still breathe.

• Sources close to the Good News Channel say that a quote from Mahatma Gandhi continues to resonate among idealists worldwide: “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Federal Way resident Megan Johnson, 19, is a shining example of this mantra. Johnson founded “Megan’s Mission,” a non-profit program that helps the region’s less fortunate residents. Although Johnson has earned numerous awards for “Megan’s Mission,” she volunteers because she truly cares. Her tireless volunteerism is as sincere as a child’s smile.

• Gloria Borger, an American journalist, once said: “For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.” The Good News Channel would like to add a rebuttal: The good news is that you can always find good news — if you know where to look.